I am a divorcee, once married & divorced. I had my own baby, but aborted.You can call me cruel, heartless. But i still know my baby will live within me forever.
19th May 09 - MY little baby existence♥!
25th May 09 -
17th June 09 -
22nd June 09 - see our baby scanning!
27th June 09 - My baby left me.
3rd July 09 - Wedding cancelled
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Goodbye, my dearest baby.
Doc Tan came, she's my doctor. I did the last ultrascan for baby, and Doc Tan gave me the scan picture..though can't really see, because its only 5weeks and 4days old. This is my last picture of my baby.
I can't see your face, i don't know you gender, i can't feel you, i can't touch or hug you, i can't talk to you..but i can only love you.
Then i couldnt help it, but to cry again..how i hope he was here to see the scan with me..but just fuck it la okay. Doc Tan still asked me again if i want to do this...i hesitate for a moment..but still moved on with the abortion..my baby cannot have a daddy like this..The abortion took quite fast..1st trimester only like 20mins..2nd trimester40mins plus..1st trim, she injected me... 2nd trim, she insert a tablet vaginally. and inject me again...then stomach cramps came..doc tell me the baby is reacting to the tablet..told me to get prepared..then she used something to mash it...waa fuck i feel like dying. then everything including baby and my blood all came out in liquid form...i cannot believe it..Doc told me not to see...but i saw. I seriously cried like fucking that i can't catch my breath..Another nurse came in told me to relax.. HOW THE FUCK YOU WANT ME TO RELAX. SEEING MY BABY IN LIQUID FORM. I MURDERED MY OWN BABY...
I can't see your face, i don't know you gender, i can't feel you, i can't touch or hug you, i can't talk to you..but i can only love you.
Doc Tan inject me again so i won't feel the pain..but will be side effects for the next one month..
By 9.40am, my baby..is gone. Gone from me, gone forever. No longer living in my womb..no longer. I cried all the way home with the picture of my scan...saw that guy downstairs my house crying too..he will never understand how it felt..how i felt and how our baby felt..Mummy chased him away..and went back home...Christina and mummy cried in the room with me..I'm really sorry..for making my whole family like this..fuck it. I really want to be a cheerful and happy Chantel..but..i'll try..
It's 2.53am, i dare not to sleep..because i will see baby scolding me when i sleep..i'm really restless and tired..sorry to my friends who've been calling me but i didnt switch on my phone..i'm really tired..really..
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Msn changed
To people who are looking for me, my msn have changed because someone hacked into it and changed my password. Or anyone wish to add me up on msn :) toxicated-@hotmail.com (using back my old msn)
Spending the last 2days with my baby...I wrote down alot of things in a book..I really hope my baby won't blame me..I still feel very painful inside..I wanted to keep this baby so much..it was like my little slice of happiness. I really admire those young mummies out there..able to feel and hug their own child..and i can't..I don't even know my baby is a girl or boy..But doc told me high chance that it's a girl.. I even wanted to name my baby girl Chloe.. Because Ch(Chantel) l(love) oe(joe) Chloe. If it's a boy i'd name him Joel. Jo(joe) el(chantel).
I don't have a chance to call my baby..so i have a little advice to all young girls like me there..Think twice before gettin pregnant with your boyfriend..Eventhough he is old enough, or rich, or kind, or understanding. or whatever. Guys can be anything..Don't walk my tough path, ended up losing your very own first baby.
I really thanks to those people who emailed to me..and told me how to move on with life..if you want to ask me anything, feel free to ask me. toxicated-@hotmail.com If you're going through like me..can look for me too..i'd help you. Because you won't want to feel how is it like to murder your own baby.
My book i've written is already almost 100 pages. So i can read back and make me feel that my baby is still living in my heart..
Thanks to alot of people who stood by me when i brokedown.. Especially my sister, Christina.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Face the reality.
I have been hiding from Joe. Although he was looking for me high and low. To those readers reading my blog, may think i'm a heartless girl. Inhuman person. Because i decided to cancel our wedding, and abort our baby away. This is of course not because of the Celine with Joe. It's because Celine had already lost her virgin to Joe. I can't accept any words Joe said to me anymore.
I visited my doctor 2days ago..and told her everything..She's very sad to hear that because i told her, i wanted an abortion. Though she tried to persuade me, i've made up my mind. My abortion is on 27th June, Saturday 8.30am. I really feel like ending my life..I murder my own, very first baby. I know i'm selfish for not giving baby a chance to live. But i can't have a baby without a daddy. And knowing his daddy had an affair outside just before our wedding. I'm really sorry baby.
Last night, i talked to Joe's family with his presence. Explained to them..and his family scolded him like serious fcuking shit. His mummy cried..and apologized to me. It wasn't her fault..what must she say sorry to me for the sake of his son? It's pointless. Even Joe ran after me, after i left..i told him i can't carry on with him anymore..It's my first time seeing him cry that he coudlnt breathe a word..If he really love me, why did he even got involved with Celine and took her virgin? I returned him the ring..and our house keys.
I went back home, and told my sister about it first..Shes angry at Joe at first..then cried with me..I made so many people cried..Went into daddy's room and tell him and mummy..Daddy called him up and want Joe to explain..but he was still crying..Daddy and mummy scolded him too..my sister scolded him as well..But thankfully i have such wonderful family :) Daddy and mummy is willing me to go for abortion and cancel the whole damn fcuking thing.
After abortion, my family and i will be moving to Sydney. And i might not be coming back again..This little island is full of hatreds and tears. I had to leave, no matter what...
//
This might be my last post talking about Joe. I know he will read this.
From the day i met you, from the day we've been together. One whole year, i thought we will be happy parents watching our baby grow for the next few years. The day you came all the way from your work just to fetch me, because its raining heavily. The day you came with all the food when i told you i havent had my dinner.. The day you rushed from your work knowing that i was admitted to Hospital..The day you came to fetch me to school knowing my bag is heavy..The day you said you promise to love me, till death do us apart..The day you signed our marriage certificate..The day i found out the secrets...to the day, that i'm losing my own baby..
I'm a straight person..once it's over, it's over..i never thought of considering second chance, because it never works. This once, hurts enough..i won't be able to take it anymore if the second time happens...neither am i going to let our baby suffer. I don't want baby everyday to hear our quarrel and see us crying..
For this one year, i'm still thankful of how you treat me and pamper me..and love(?) me. For letting me to live in this fairytale..Now it's over. I hope i will never dream of you or think of you again..you're like a nightmare in my life..I hope you will move on with life..I won't see you again, and you won't see me again. I hate to say this but...bye for us.
I visited my doctor 2days ago..and told her everything..She's very sad to hear that because i told her, i wanted an abortion. Though she tried to persuade me, i've made up my mind. My abortion is on 27th June, Saturday 8.30am. I really feel like ending my life..I murder my own, very first baby. I know i'm selfish for not giving baby a chance to live. But i can't have a baby without a daddy. And knowing his daddy had an affair outside just before our wedding. I'm really sorry baby.
Last night, i talked to Joe's family with his presence. Explained to them..and his family scolded him like serious fcuking shit. His mummy cried..and apologized to me. It wasn't her fault..what must she say sorry to me for the sake of his son? It's pointless. Even Joe ran after me, after i left..i told him i can't carry on with him anymore..It's my first time seeing him cry that he coudlnt breathe a word..If he really love me, why did he even got involved with Celine and took her virgin? I returned him the ring..and our house keys.
I went back home, and told my sister about it first..Shes angry at Joe at first..then cried with me..I made so many people cried..Went into daddy's room and tell him and mummy..Daddy called him up and want Joe to explain..but he was still crying..Daddy and mummy scolded him too..my sister scolded him as well..But thankfully i have such wonderful family :) Daddy and mummy is willing me to go for abortion and cancel the whole damn fcuking thing.
After abortion, my family and i will be moving to Sydney. And i might not be coming back again..This little island is full of hatreds and tears. I had to leave, no matter what...
//
This might be my last post talking about Joe. I know he will read this.
From the day i met you, from the day we've been together. One whole year, i thought we will be happy parents watching our baby grow for the next few years. The day you came all the way from your work just to fetch me, because its raining heavily. The day you came with all the food when i told you i havent had my dinner.. The day you rushed from your work knowing that i was admitted to Hospital..The day you came to fetch me to school knowing my bag is heavy..The day you said you promise to love me, till death do us apart..The day you signed our marriage certificate..The day i found out the secrets...to the day, that i'm losing my own baby..
I'm a straight person..once it's over, it's over..i never thought of considering second chance, because it never works. This once, hurts enough..i won't be able to take it anymore if the second time happens...neither am i going to let our baby suffer. I don't want baby everyday to hear our quarrel and see us crying..
For this one year, i'm still thankful of how you treat me and pamper me..and love(?) me. For letting me to live in this fairytale..Now it's over. I hope i will never dream of you or think of you again..you're like a nightmare in my life..I hope you will move on with life..I won't see you again, and you won't see me again. I hate to say this but...bye for us.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Crying.
I don't know if i should blog this up since bby reads my blog..Maybe he'll see it later, maybe tomorrow. Was out with bby yesterday for dinner..And he's acting so strangely. Like keeping his things safe with him.. Then when he was driving, someone called. It was a lady. Then bby started to speak very softly saying he will call back..I thought was his work.. But i was wrong..Just a hour ago, you forgotten to log out your hotmail and went to sleep..I saw those e-mails..from Celine. So heartbreaking you know..
Not big enough? click go enlarge.
Bby, i don't know why you did this to me. When we just registered for our marriage few days ago.. You promise to love me forever..But why i saw those emails? You're sleeping in the room, i'm crying in the toilet with my laptop..with our baby inside our tummy. Asking why even our baby existed.
Looking at this picture, makes me cry. Our cert of marriage. Is like a piece of shit to you? Why bby..why you did this..I thought we could be the perfect husband and wife ever..but i was wrong. I can't accept it..i really can't accept it..What exactly you want me to do..Do you want me to abort and cancel our wedding. I really don't feel like keeping this baby already..Tell me what to do bby.. I feel like leaving home now...I gave you everything. i love you with all my life. Entrusting that our marriage would last. How am i going to tell my daddy? How am i going to face my family? WHY. FUCKING CB. WHY WHEN WE ARE GETTING MARRIED YOU DID THIS TO ME. I HATE YOU.
Maybe our baby not supposed to exist at all. Maybe we're just like a fairytale with sad ending. I'm really going to break down. Tell me, why you did this..just tell me why..
Not big enough? click go enlarge.
Bby, i don't know why you did this to me. When we just registered for our marriage few days ago.. You promise to love me forever..But why i saw those emails? You're sleeping in the room, i'm crying in the toilet with my laptop..with our baby inside our tummy. Asking why even our baby existed.
Maybe our baby not supposed to exist at all. Maybe we're just like a fairytale with sad ending. I'm really going to break down. Tell me, why you did this..just tell me why..
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Baby :(
This is Joe here. ..My baby Chantel is admitted into hospital last night.
Due to massive bleeding to her alone at home last night :( and i was at meeting never pick up her phone..fcuk it. Regretted it. Heng her friend called me. Baby will be discharged tomorrow!! Took leave to fetch her tomorrow. Poor baby. I so suck la. She needed me i wasnt there. nb.. Heng heng our baby is fine. and growing healthily inside her tummy.
I'm sorry baby...
Due to massive bleeding to her alone at home last night :( and i was at meeting never pick up her phone..fcuk it. Regretted it. Heng her friend called me. Baby will be discharged tomorrow!! Took leave to fetch her tomorrow. Poor baby. I so suck la. She needed me i wasnt there. nb.. Heng heng our baby is fine. and growing healthily inside her tummy.
I'm sorry baby...
Friday, June 5, 2009
Baby!
Sorry for not updating. So busy for the past few days.
Yesterday went to see Gynae, cause i suddenly bleed yesterday. I thought something happened to baby!!! So scared. Then bby bought me to Gynae after i scream for him..LOL. Doctor say baby is fine and growing healthy inside! Relieve. She also reminded me to come back for checkup and baby scanning! hahaha!
The invitations and everything going to be done soon! Halfway done already :) Cannot wait for it! Next week going to try my wedding gown already! And the planning things for wedding. Busy anot! So so so sad, i'm going to miss all the parties :( and my job!! waalao..
I'm now at bby's house, playing nail polish with bby's mummy. LOL! Cute ah. Bby going to be home soon! Bringing us out for dinner and watch movie! LOL I miss bby! Poor bby, need to work and prepare for our wedding..need to worry about our baby also!! pooooor bby! I promise will bring our baby up healthily okay! :)
Going off already, anyway, i added the baby widget on the left. LOL! So you guys know how big is my baby already! hahahaa!
Yesterday went to see Gynae, cause i suddenly bleed yesterday. I thought something happened to baby!!! So scared. Then bby bought me to Gynae after i scream for him..LOL. Doctor say baby is fine and growing healthy inside! Relieve. She also reminded me to come back for checkup and baby scanning! hahaha!
The invitations and everything going to be done soon! Halfway done already :) Cannot wait for it! Next week going to try my wedding gown already! And the planning things for wedding. Busy anot! So so so sad, i'm going to miss all the parties :( and my job!! waalao..
I'm now at bby's house, playing nail polish with bby's mummy. LOL! Cute ah. Bby going to be home soon! Bringing us out for dinner and watch movie! LOL I miss bby! Poor bby, need to work and prepare for our wedding..need to worry about our baby also!! pooooor bby! I promise will bring our baby up healthily okay! :)
Going off already, anyway, i added the baby widget on the left. LOL! So you guys know how big is my baby already! hahahaa!